Dot Hack Gags Unleashed: Rebirth
by Red Arkanz
Summary: Follow Haseo's super fun journey through The World as he chases down TriEdge, the one who killed Shino. Rated M for language and stuff, I think...
1. CH 1: The Terror of Death

Chapter 1: The Terror of Death

"Dot Hack"

"Character registration complete... now for a name."  
Kite started to fill in his own name, then he filled out some last minute registration forms before installing the game. He tapped his foot for a minute, humming, when the installation reached 100 percent He then logged into "The World"... Until I realized I was writing a Dot Hack G.U. fanfic...  
Ryou: Damnit Kite, get off my computer! (shove!)

"Dot Hack//G.U."  
"Rebirth"

Ryou Misaki sits at his computer, waiting for the installation to complete. A gray screen pops up with the words "Altimit Mine OS". There's a few icons to choose from and some relaxing piano music starts playing.  
Ryou: Hey, that's kinda pretty... _(click...click-click...click) _Okay, login!

Ryou clicks "Log In". All of the sudden, his scenery changes drastically. He's now standing in a small dome, with a spinning gyro to his back. It is made of a golden metal and has a bright blue glow emanating from the center. The room is dark, except for the blue glow and a small amount of light coming in from some large, ornate windows. There's a stream running the shape of the dome, making ripple patterns dance on the stone walls. Haseo stares in awe of the scenery. He starts making his way to a set of large double doors, when two people start to walk towards him. One is a small girl, who is wearing a top and wearing a large purple hat over her green hair. She's covered in many intricate tattoos. The other is a man with baggy pants and wearing a blue vest decorated with metal. He has silver hair with bangs that shadow his eyes.  
IYOTEN: Hey, you're a newbie, right?  
Haseo: Yeah, I just installed the game to my pc...  
Asta: Well, I'm sure you'd like to get acquainted with it as soon as possible.  
IYOTEN: Would you like us to show you the basics of the game so you can really enjoy it?

(In an Alternate Reality)

Haseo: No, thanks.  
IYOTEN: You sure?  
Haseo: Yeah, thanks anyway...  
Asta: C'mon, don't be shy...  
Haseo: No, I think it's funner to figure it out yourself... bye! (warps to a field)  
Asta: Bye... ya jackass!  
IYOTEN: Damnit!

Haseo finishes a mission by himself, without any hardships. Haseo becomes a normal player with tons of friends and not a care in the world. One day, he's soloing on a field and trying to raise his level. He's fighting a group of monsters and is in way over his head. Atoli just happens to be in the same area, and she sees he's in trouble. She jumps in and heals him. They team up and beat all the monsters. They then become good friends, and Atoli convinces him to join Moon Tree. Three months later, Haseo tells Atoli that he likes her. Their friendship blossoms, and they fall in love. They have 2 children, an Edge Punisher girl and a Twin Blade boy. They live happily together for the rest of forever.

------------------------  
(True Reality)

Haseo: uh...  
Asta: Then it's agreed, come with us.  
IYOTEN: That dumbass doesn't know what's coming...  
Asta: ...you said that out-loud...  
IYOTEN: ...Fun and Adventure! That's what's coming!  
Asta: ...smooooooth.  
IYOTEN: Okay, you see this thing, (points to blue glow thing) that's called a Chaos Gate. You use this device to warp to other areas by inputting "keywords". You choose from a list of words in one gyro, and then you pick 2 more the same way. The combination of "keywords" affects the area type, monster strength, items, and so on. A set of "keywords" is known as an "Area Word". Further...

Haseo listens intently as they both go over game basics. He hangs onto every word they say. He's surprised people would take this much time to help someone rather than play the game for themselves. After a few minutes, they look at the chaos gate and motion for him to come over.  
Asta: I think he might be sick of us already :) We better teach him how to actually "play". Haseo, pick out some keywords and make sure the area isn't too high a level. I suggest a Lvl 1 area.  
Haseo: Okay... How bout' "Courageous Engaging Daydream"?  
Asta: Yep, now were off!

Haseo, Asta, and IYOTEN are transported to a peaceful looking field. The sun is shining and the grass is green... under the three feet of snow, I mean. Okay, there isn't any actual snow... they better put that in the next installment... Anywho, Asta starts explaining the basics of battle and teaches Haseo all about Skill Triggers and Rengekis. They finish the mission of gathering all the symbol fragments and head towards the temple. They walk down a few flights of stairs before coming up to a large set of double doors. Haseo pushes them open and walks into a chamber. In the middle of the chamber is an altar with a treasure chest on top. A large beast statue sits behind it. IYOTEN starts explaining how this particular treasure chest has a rare item.  
Asta: Go ahead and open it.  
Haseo: You sure?  
IYOTEN: Yeah, you earned it.  
Haseo: (opens chest and takes out item) Thanks- _(Shing!) _...What the!?

IYOTEN is holding his blade next to Haseo's face and smiling evilly. Asta is behind him, hands on her waist and looking pathetically at Haseo. The sword near Haseo's face is gleaming in the light, showing off it's razor sharp edge. Haseo is frozen in his tracks, unable to move, or even speak.  
IYOTEN: The items in the chest are your rewards...  
Asta: Yes... and our reward, is you! (giggles)  
IYOTEN: I just love taking out these pathetic Noobs, It's really quite fun! Let's face it, an idiot like you isn't qualified to play this game...  
Asta: Hey, I thought you said I could kill this one. After all... (pulls out a large sword) this is my reward!

Haseo stares at the sword Asta holds. It's very large and has razor sharp gears on the edges. Haseo regains feeling in his feet and tries to run, but he stumbles and falls. IYOTEN looms over him, sword on his shoulder and ready to kill. He dashes away from him and past Asta. But she dashes behind and jumps over him while carrying the large sword. She lands in front of him, and holds the sword in his face. She gives the blade a little shake and the gears start spinning, sending sparks in his face. Haseo falls on his butt and watches as she raises the blade in the air.  
Asta: Nice try dear... _(Schluck!)  
_Haseo: GYYAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
Asta: (stands over Haseo's body, and puts a foot on his head) Hellooooo? Anybody home? Nya-ha-ha!  
IYOTEN: It's so pathetic, just pretend to be their friends and they fall all over themselves to let you PK them... _(Vwooo!)  
_Asta: AHHHhhh...  
IYOTEN: What the...? _(Vwoosh-vwoosh!)_ Gyaa-ahhhh...

IYOTEN is struck by 2 shots, one sending him in the air and the other blasting him into a wall. Haseo looks down the entrance hallway to see a man standing there with a bayonet in one hand. He has dark blue hair and has a pair of orange sunglasses. He wears a blue scarf and a large white overcoat. The most distinguishable feature about the man was his left arm. It was incased in some large type of metal shell. It has a large metal padlock inscribed with some kind of symbol. He swings the bayonet in his hand and puts it behind his back. He starts walking over towards Haseo, each step accompanied by a loud ominous clunk. He stands in front of Haseo and puts his arm behind his back. He remembers how easily he took out the other 2 and closes his eyes. He opens his eyes to see the hand held out to him in a helpful gesture. He then speaks...

Ovan: Welcome, to "The World".

8 Months Later...

A party of players is surrounded by a circle of PKs. The sun is low, casting an orange light over the desert canyon. One player is dead in the middle, and the other 2 are shaking in their boots. One woman with short red hair and a purple top walks toward one player and slashes her thorny sword. The last one standing tries to run, but a large man with a huge stone axe blocks her way. The woman with the thorny sword walks over and decapitates her. The whole spectacle is watched by a man with spiky black armor. Some spots are red, like his spiky shoulder pads. The wind picks up and blows his silver hair. He laughs and starts walking down the cliff.  
Bordeaux: What an idiot... Ha!

The whole group starts laughing when the man in Red and Black sneaks up behind them and kicks one guy in the back, causing him to stumble into a few more PKs. Everyone turns around to see what the commotion is, and spot him.  
Negimaru: T-the "Terror of Death". It's Haseo, the PKK!  
Haseo: HuRAGH!

Haseo pulls out his Twin Blades and starts taking out PKs, left and right. He moves with incredible speed and hits 4 more. His blades make bullet-like noises when they collide with anything. He goes after Bordeaux and attacks. She barely has time to block and is sent skidding with every hit. The large man and Negimaru come from above and try to hit Haseo, but he dashes backward. He puts the swords away and summons a giant scythe. He swings it in a circle and takes out several people. They all jump into the air, but Haseo jumps into the air and swings the scythe, scattering everyone across the desert. Negimaru comes down and knocks the scythe out of Haseo's hand and laughs. Haseo holds his empty palm in front of Negimaru's face and emits a deadly blast, sending him into the side of a mountain. The large man dashes over and tries to crush Haseo with the axe, but Haseo evades. He then pulls out a huge sword with chainsaw teeth and parries Grein's second attack and brings the sword down on his head. Bordeaux runs up and attacks, but Haseo counters and sends her screaming through the air. She's kneeling on the ground, out of breath, while Haseo walks up to her.

Bordeaux: I'm surprised, I didn't think you would be that strong... I guess the rumor about you killing 100 PKers wasn't a lie after all...  
Haseo: ...  
Bordeaux: Hey, come on, don't look at me like that... Here, let me apologize. So, just take it easy, calm down... and DIE!!!!  
(She swings the sword, only to get knocked into the air. Haseo walks up and holds the sword next to her face.)  
Bordeaux: Tch...  
Haseo: Do you know "Tri-Edge"?  
Bordeaux: What did you say?  
Haseo: He's a legendary PK, shrouded in blue fire. They say players who get killed by him never return to the game...  
Bordeaux: ... Oh, come on now... Do you really believe that crap? Those old forum fairytales? So, you think you can go up against me, the great "Bordeaux", and walk away like nothing happen- Geh!? _(...kvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Slish!...thud.)  
_Haseo: Yeah, I think I can... heh! (gates out)

----------------------------  
There you go, Chapter 1. I know it doesn't seem that funny at first, but once I get further into the story I think there's more I can work with. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, I like to try to make it sound "action-ey". Also, Haseo's real life name is Ryou Misaki. I don't think we ever learned Kite's, at least not me... And I must say hello to any of my fellow dothacker forum members who bothered to read this: "Greetings!". Also, I'd like to thank K-su from the dothackers forum, who helped me come up with the name of this story.


	2. Ch 2: Re Noobified

I guess I should've specified _which_ forum. I didn't know this site even had a forum... I'd like to thank K-su from the dothackers forum for coming up with the title "Gags Unleashed". And Zer0, for the nice comment, which reminded me to upload another chapter.

Oh yeah, and thank you for the review, Tiger5913. That was actually a really fast one, I couldn't believe it. I was actually thinking about putting Haseo X Shino in the story. Well, anyway...  
----------------------------------  
Chapter 2: Re-Noobified.

Haseo walks out of the dome and goes down a few stairs. Many players are running around Mac Anu, trading, talking, or buying stuff. He makes his way toward the fountain in the central district, passing 2 people. One is a man with long green hair in a pony tail. He looks like a samurai and has a huge katana strapped to his back.  
Sakaki: So, it's you. You, the character that stinks of death... "The Terror of Death". You're the PKK, Haseo  
Haseo: ...  
Sakaki: Players who kill other players are disgraceful. And I agree it's terrible how PKs can just strut around "The World" so easily these days. But is it right that you PKKs have chosen to use brute force to stop them?  
Haseo: I don't have time for this, not now.  
Sakaki: You have no right and it earns you nothing, so why? I'm the leader of Moon Tree's Unit 2. My friends call me Sakaki. And I'm afraid I cannot allow you to continue your actions.  
Haseo: Moon Tree, is that a guild name or something? Sorry, Sakaki, but I already have enough friends, thanks... (walks away)  
Atoli: Do you always interrupt people like that!? You know, Sakaki wasn't finished talking!

Haseo turns around to see a girl with short blonde hair. She wears a green gown and has a hat with a ribbon on one side. She's wearing white stockings and is carrying a staff that looks like a flower.  
Haseo: Shino!  
Atoli: Hunh?  
Sakaki: Atoli, do you know this person?  
Atoli: No?  
Haseo: ...Atoli?  
Sakaki: It is not unusual to meet players with similar characters in an online game... Heh, just a case of mistaken identity...  
Haseo: Hey you, why don't you just- (ping!) _"Hunh? A text message... 'Delta Hidden Forbidden Waterfall... waiting at Arche Koeln.' But, who sent it?" _(looks around and spots a familiar face) Ovan!

Ovan is standing a few yards away. He turns around and begins to walk away. Haseo pushes Sakaki and Atoli aside and dashes towards Ovan. He goes through a small group of people and stops where Ovan was standing. Haseo looks all around, but Ovan is nowhere to be found. Haseo decides to run to the Chaos Gate when Sakaki puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him.  
Sakaki: Hold on, I'm not finished-  
Haseo: ... (jerks away from Sakaki and walks away)  
Sakaki: Don't you see... Don't you realize that if you PKK's succeed, you'll be no different than the PK's themselves!?

"Delta Hidden Forbidden Waterfall"

Haseo warps onto a large, ancient stone bridge. Little lights dance throughout the area like spirits. The bridge is surrounded by a humongous waterfall. This is Ovan's favorite meeting area. Possibly because it's very beautiful. Or maybe because it is a one of the "Lost Grounds", an area that was in the original "World". Ovan is staring at the waterfall while Haseo walks up to him.

Haseo: Ovan!  
Ovan: It's been a long time, Haseo. Or maybe I should call you "The Terror of Death". You've gotten quite strong... a lot stronger than you were back then...  
Haseo: Well I was forced to become stronger because of you... You, why did you leave?  
Ovan: Haseo, you were always the reliable one... I knew I could count on you.  
Haseo: After the Twilight Brigade broke up, why didn't you come back!?-  
Ovan: -I was busy... It was such a small seed back then, and there was only one way to find out what was inside... So I raised it.  
Haseo: "You raised it"? What are you talking about!?  
Ovan: I was speaking figuratively...  
Haseo: But, after you left... after that, Shino...  
Ovan: Do you want to know about "Tri-Edge"?  
Haseo: You know "Tri-Edge"!?  
Ovan: 6 months after "Tri-Edge" killed her, and Shino hasn't logged in once. Meanwhile, the real life Shino is in a coma and no one seems to know why... "Tri-Edge", he is no ordinary PK... If my information is correct, he will be back today... at the scene of the crime... Delta Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground.  
Haseo: At the Hulle Granz Cathedral!  
Ovan: Maybe... if you could possibly beat "Tri-Edge"...  
Haseo: Then Shino will...  
Ovan: Haseo, we're the only ones who can stop him...  
Haseo: "The only ones"... I'll do it Ovan! I swear, I'll bring you back Shino... W-where are you going?  
Ovan: I've got something I need to do first. I'll meet you there...

Delta Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground

Haseo gates into the Lost Ground, Hulle Granz Cathedral. It's a large church that sits in the middle of a lake. There's a slight mist in the air, making each step Haseo takes ring throughout the emptiness. He walks up to the stairs and faces the large double doors. He flings them open and walks inside. A few wooden pews surround him. There are large pendulums that swing in the archways, and in the front of the cathedral lies an altar. A symbol composed of 3 slashes is engraved on the altar. That is Tri-Edge's symbol. It glows with a fiery orange light. Haseo remembers seeing Shino fall to the ground before the symbol. Haseo ran up and held her in his arms as she slowly disappeared. The symbol never used to be there, before that day. Shino had told him a statue of a girl used to stand there, and her name was Aura. Then one day she disappeared. "Maybe she lost interest, lost hope for this world...". All sorts of emotions well up in Haseo. The most powerful ones were sadness and anger. All the sudden, A noise rings through the church. The sound is very similar to a tuning fork. Haseo looks all around and spots a hovering light before the altar. It glows with blue flames and hovers before Haseo. It suddenly explodes into an inferno right before Haseo. He only has time to jump back and watch as a figure appears in the flames.

With a flick of his arms, he flicks the flames away. He wears an orange hat with ear flaps and corresponding vest and pants. His outfit is tattered, and large stitches adorn it in a few spots. He wears brown gloves and has brown shoes. He has shaggy blue hair and piercing eyes. He takes a few steps towards Haseo and extends both his arms. A pair of blades materialize in his hands and he flicks them once. He crosses his arms and extends the dual swords. Then two smaller blades fold out of the main one.

Haseo: Is that... "Tri-Edge"!?  
Tri-Edge:...  
Haseo: You bastaaaaarrrrd!!!

(Alternate Reality)

Haseo rushes in with his dual swords. He inflicts blow upon blow to Tri-Edge. Tri-Edge counters and sends Haseo flying. Haseo gets up and summons his scythe, prepared for a tough battle. He dashes across the marble floor and swings the scythe once. He decapitates Tri-Edge easily and sends his head flying towards the stained glass window.

Haseo: Eh? (krish!)  
(Tri-Edge kneels to the ground and explodes in a shower of azure flames)  
Haseo: EH!?  
(The symbol disappears from the altar and the scenery inverts a couple times)  
Haseo: OH, WHAT THE HELL!!!?? I slaved 6 months over THAT!? I could've... I mean... AWWWW!!!!!  
(Shino bursts through the double doors)  
Shino: Haseo!  
Haseo: _"This blows... ah, screw it..." _S-Shino!?  
(Shino runs up and hugs Haseo, who starts to blush)  
Shino: What happened? I remember standing here, and then I was PKed... Then I saw you... and that's all I remember... Why does it feel like 6 months have passed and I was in a coma?  
Haseo: You actually just summed it up...  
Shino: Really?  
Haseo: Well, ...  
(tells a lil tale)  
Shino: And you've been hunting Tri-Edge down... just for me?  
Haseo: Shino, you're my friend... and I-I (blushes slightly and looks away) I like you...  
Shino: Haseo...  
Haseo: I know, I know! You like Ovan...  
Shino: Haseo... I've always liked you... I just thought you didn't like me that way... But now that I know you do... (giggle)  
Haseo: err...  
(kisses him on the cheek and hugs him)  
Haseo: ...

Haseo and Shino get married. Ovan is actually a licensed priest thingy and foresees the whole ceremony. There's a big celebration, lots of wine, cake, food stuffs, and so on. They have their honey moon at Lumina Cloth. Haseo completes the "Bounty Hunter Quest" and becomes a licensed Bounty Hunter. His title is still "The Terror of Death", and he makes a good living. Shino opened up a clothing and armor shop. She sells fashionable armor and clothing, but they are also effective in battle. She even makes custom outfits and armor. She's a very talented painter and seamstress. Shino also convinced Haseo to let her have a pet Chim-Chim. His name is "Skeezmo". They both can afford a very nice apartment in Lumina Cloth, and are very happy. They are even considering starting a family. Sounds like fun... I personally wouldn't know, though... (cough) But, I'd imagine it's pretty fun.

--------------------------------------  
(True Reality)

With a flick of his arms, he flicks the flames away. He wears an orange hat with ear flaps and corresponding vest and pants. He wears large brown gloves and has brown shoes. He has shaggy blue hair and piercing eyes. He takes a few steps towards Haseo and extends both his arms. A pair of blades materialize in his hands and he flicks them once. He crosses his arms and extends the dual swords. Then two smaller blades fold out of the main one.

Haseo: Is that... "Tri-Edge"!?  
Tri-Edge:...  
Haseo: You bastaaaaarrrrd!!!

Haseo pulls out his Twin blades and lunges at Tri-Edge. He takes a furious swipe, but Tri-Edge blocks it with one arm. Haseo looks at him in shock, then he jumps back. He rushes back in and slashes. This too, is blocked. Haseo screams and releases a flurry of blows with his blades. Sparks fly each time they make contact with Tri-Edge's weapon. Tri-Edge merely twirls the blade in one hand and blocks every attack effortlessly. Haseo back-flips a distance and sheathes the swords. He summons his chainsaw-edged sword and rushes. He screams and brings the blade down with tremendous force. Tri-Edge doesn't move an inch and blocks it with one hand. Sparks fly and grow bigger and brighter the more Haseo forces the blade down. Tri-Edge, guarding the sword in one hand, brings his other hand up and strikes Haseo. He flies through the air and skids across the ground, his sword landing a few feet from his face. He wipes the blood from his mouth and looks up at Tri-Edge. He has put his weapons away and leers over him.

Haseo: What the hell... What the hell are you?  
Tri-Edge: ... (a smile of satisfaction creeps over his face)  
Haseo: _"This guy... killed Shino!" _It's not over yet!!!!

Haseo pulls out his scythe and charges at Tri-Edge. Tri-Edge lifts his arm in the air and the scythe follows. It then shatters into shards of green data. Haseo looks at his hands, both empty. Tri-Edge glides across the floor and puts his hand on Haseo's face. Haseo is sent across the room with a powerful blast. He looks up in time to see Tri-Edge raise his hand in the air. He brings it down and aims it at Haseo. Static starts to form around his hand and segments of data and polygons form around his hand. Electricity crackles in the air as three hexagon petals form around his arm. Suddenly, computer coded ribbons shoot out of his palm and hit Haseo dead on. He starts to scream as they tear through his abdomen. He kneels to the ground and starts convulsing. He looks back up at Tri-Edge. He just stands there, but Haseo's vision is blurring. He notices a light coming from his body and looks down. His armor is being stripped away and his wire-frame character model is becoming visible. He screams once more before all the color is ripped from his body, creating a glass shattering sound. He falls to the ground, his head facing the large double doors. He makes out a large figure, carrying something huge when everything goes black...

--------------------------------------  
...I guess that wasn't very funny. But, if you'll bear with me, Chapter 3 is funnier. But hey, the battle with Tri-Edge is pretty bad-ass! I still remember seeing it for the first time, on the trailer. That was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. And I love the song, Yasashii Ryoute (Gentle Hands). It just made the fight that much more awesome.


End file.
